Today

A day of would-have-been(s).

If I manage to find a gateway into the other series, would I switch?

(N)either/(n)or

18 May 2012
Why?

• Because, perhaps, despite my avowals, I think about the future and I don’t see any. If I do, it scares me.
• Because your bouts of anger are capable of the unthinkable, if not for real, in my imagination.
• Because I worry. And I can’t recall how it feels to not worry about your routine, practicalities, etc.
• Because I hadn’t found myself till I found you, and then I turned into an appendage.
• Because the thought of being alone - without you to fall back on for accusations, or emotional support - is unthinkable, and this is Not how it should be.
• Because I shouldn’t lie anymore.

Because I love you. But it’s not an absolute. Love never is, unfortunately.

Why not?

Because I love you, and now it is difficult to breathe.

28 September 2012 

"It gets better."

What if it doesn't? 

Not even a week.

Your absence hits at the oddest hours. 

Patterns for misery. Patterns for redemption.

Patterns for denial.

January optimism

Last year, in a fit of enthusiasm, I made my new year optimism a widely known affair. I mailed my list of retrospectively overambitious resolutions to a number of friends. And I could just do one, out of the long list of things. No, I don't fear ridicule, but I do feel stupid.

This year, I am only doing what is fair, posting on my anonymous blog so that it serves as a reminder to self without the public acknowledgement. So, apart from a massive amount of discipline, I also need to:

-Start driving.

-Write about the books I read.
-Save.
-Gather enough courage to quit my job and not regret it immensely.
-Travel to Shillong and Pondicherry apart from the travels which will happen due to various friends getting married.
-Strike a balance between being impulsive and wise.
-And not be afraid to add to the list.

I know this falls into the category of generic new year post (although delayed), but I lost the pretensions of creativity long back. Now this is just a log.

Until later.

P.S. I have read When You Reach Me, and Purple Hibiscus this month already, will you please rebuke me if I don't write about them soon?

P.P.S. Watched Dakota Skye right now. It makes me want to make choices I am not sure I require for real. So, I will do the brave thing and not think about it anymore.

.

I could wish for the easy way out, and ask someone else to make a decision. But that doesn't seem likely. I wouldn't be able to bare it all in front of even the closest confidante.

So should I take a giant leap with no parachute and only self to trust. Or this giant leap would be an escape from the present, clearer, present (and a possibility of an assured future).

I need to place my feet firmly on the ground to hang on. And defer the decision again, perhaps?

.

And we dipped the tip of our fingers in nostalgia. For, you settle in as easily as you let go.